


How Not to Get a Boyfriend, starring Tsukishima Kei

by munzie (enjolrasenthusiast)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Blowjobs, Cheating, Explicit Sex, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Sneaking Out, basically just irresponsible teenagers being irresponsible teenagers, porn doesnt come until like chapter 2 or 3 sorry but those should be coming up soon so, title is a work in progress sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 05:07:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolrasenthusiast/pseuds/munzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo needs to come clean, for once in his life, and Tsukishima should probably just start trying to be a better person. It's hard, though, when things are just so easy like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. step 1) dont try to be a romantic. no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> au where i do my homework instead of writing gross gay porn
> 
> in which i project all my personal insecurities and dreams onto tsukishima

Tsukishima Kei had never been one for romanticism. Leaving anonymous notes in lockers or desks, hanging back after class to confess to a crush, selecting the perfect chocolates for someone on Valentine’s day, all that had never interested him. Tsukishima was a man of very basic satisfactions, easy to placate and very, very hard to please. He had never really found himself with more than a simple appreciation for someone’s appearance, nothing close to actually _liking_ someone. Hell, the only person he could even stand to be around for long periods of time was Tadashi, and even that grew tiring. 

That was why, when he went with an impulse, scrawled out his number in sloppy characters on a scrap paper and surreptitiously stuffed it into the bag he hoped was Kuroo’s, he felt the uncomfortable weight of every set of eyes in the gym on him.

In reality, the only one who had seen was Kenma, but to Tsukishima it could have been everyone in Miyagi. He found his breath sticking in his throat as the other boy approached him, eyes darting between the bag and the pen in Kei’s hand. He tilted his head, feline eyes searching Tsukishima’s face.

“That’s my bag.”

_Shit._

“That wasn’t for you.” _Smooth, Kei._

Kenma just stared at him, unsettling Tsukishima with how much he seemed to know without even saying five words. Kei just turned his nose up slightly, tried to quell the pounding of his heart in his throat and willed Kenma not to tell Kuroo. “I know.”

Tsukishima’s breath came in the form of a sigh, huge and weighty and full of every insecurity that had passed through his head in those few moments of silence. Kenma seemed to notice this, and pulled his scrutinizing gaze away from Tsukishima’s face. He padded over to his bag on silent feet, pulling the note from the pocket it had been shoved into. Kei thanked every god he had ever heard of that Kenma didn’t open it; instead he turned back to Tsukishima and mumbled a soft, “Kuroo?”

Tsukishima nodded, not quite trusting his voice, and Kenma turned back to the bags and put the note into the pocket of the duffel to the left of his own. _Almost had it right._

Kenma walked away and their break was over, the sound of sneakers squeaking on the wood of the gym floor filling the air as both teams took their place on the court for the next practice match. Tsukishima felt the match rather than played it, letting his instincts take over his body and running on autopilot. Sure, he let a couple balls go wild, but he had enough skill ingrained to easily pass through the match unhindered. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say a word, probably figuring he was just a hair more uninterested than usual.

 

 

Tsukishima found himself on edge all throughout their next break, staring at Kuroo’s duffel bag with more concentration than he had ever displayed on the court. It was enough to tip off Yamaguchi, who instantly began fretting over Kei’s state of mind. Not that he noticed at all, though; he was too busy watching Kuroo look over the note with a raised eyebrow and his lips turned up into a smirk. Kuroo turned to Kenma and asked him a question Tsukishima couldn’t make out, but Kenma just shrugged his shoulders and took another swig of water. Tsukishima made a mental note to thank him later.

He forcibly tore his eyes away as Kuroo began to walk towards Karasuno, note still in hand and eyes scanning the team. He strolled up to Kageyama and held out the note, looking down at him. “This you?”

Kageyama shook his head and turned back to Hinata, disinterest plain on his face. Kuroo didn’t seem to lose any of his countenance, though, instead walking over to where Kei and Tadashi stood. He held up the note to Tsukishima, who mentally scrambled to find some way out of the situation. “What about you, glasses-kun? This your number?”

“No,” Kei replied, probably a little too fast and blunt to pass for truthful. Kuroo saw right through him, if the way his smirk grew was anything to go by. Yamaguchi remained ever oblivious, still trying to get Tsukishima to drink something.

“Shame,” Kuroo replied, pocketing the note. He started to stroll back towards the rest of his team, pausing only for a second to throw a passing comment back at Kei.

“Your ears are bright red, by the way.”

_Fuck._

 

 

There was a note in Tsukishima’s bag at the end of practice, and as he unfolded it he wondered how Kuroo had slipped it in without being noticed. The first thing that caught his eye was just how neat the writing was, which seemed a little bit out of place given Kuroo’s personality. The second thing that caught his eye was the actual message written out, which had Kei fighting down his heart again.

 

_I’ll be behind the gym after practice._

 

Tsukishima was so fucked.

He pulled his bag up onto his shoulder, hurrying to the locker rooms and stripping down as quickly as he could. He opted for running a wet washcloth over himself instead of showering, focusing on trying to dress and leave before anyone else. He was on his way out of the locker room just when Daichi and Sugawara were leading the rest of the team in, and he bolted before any of them could notice him.

He was four steps outside of the locker room when a shoulder bumped against his, and he looked over to see Kuroo beside him.

“You’re pretty slick, glasses-kun.”

“Don’t call me that,” Kei replied, feeling the tips of his ears flush again. He adjusted his stride to fall in beside Kuroo, walking just a bit closer to the other boy than he usually would.

“Ouch, you’re so cold. Don’t you have a heart, Tsukishima?”

“Obviously not,” he said, his face impassive but his tone light and teasing.

Tsukishima was having a hard time staying cool, his hands clenching into tight fists in his pockets and his steps just barely faltering every so often. This whole “crush” business was complete bullshit, he figured. He wanted no part of it.

“So,” Kuroo said, glancing sideways at Tsukishima. “Do you wanna hook up or something?”

Kei’s breath caught. “Now? Isn’t that a little forward?”

“Not now, stupid. Just sometime.”

Kei weighed his options, even though he knew there was only one thing he would ever pick. “Yeah,” he replied, “Whatever.”

It was then that they turned the corner, and the air was forced from Tsukishima’s lungs as Kuroo backed him into the wall and pressed their lips together. There was no hesitation, no chance for Tsukishima to steel himself before Kuroo’s tongue was swiping at his lower lip, demanding entrance. They kissed messily, teeth nipping at lips, and Tsukishima was dizzy by the time Kuroo pulled away.

“Your ride is leaving soon,” Kuroo said matter-of-factly, nodding in the general direction of the bus that Karasuno had arrived in.

“I should go.”

Kuroo nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. Almost as an afterthought, he leaned in and gave Tsukishima one last chaste peck on the lips. “I’ll text you.”

With a nod, Tsukishima readjusted his duffel bag and set off for the bus, heart pounding against his chest like a drum.


	2. step 2) dont question anything. just go with it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo is good at getting what he wants. Tsukishima is bad at backing down from a good offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone help these two losers

Tsukishima had almost given up hope when Kuroo didn’t text him for the entire day, figuring the whole thing had just been a fluke. He had his phone with him at all times, clutched in his hand or sitting in his lap or right next to his paper when he was doing his homework. Every time it buzzed his hand would dart to it, only to fall away disappointedly when it was only Tadashi or Akiteru. He kept it on his chest when he laid down that night, setting aside his glasses, slipping his headphones over his ears, and closing his eyes.

The exhaustion of the day caught up to him within minutes, and soon he was fast asleep, phone pressed tightly between his hand and his chest.

  
  


He woke up to his alarm the next morning, and lifted his phone to turn it off. Three new text messages caught his eye, and his heart leapt into his throat.

 

**< From: Unknown Number>**

Good evening

 

**< From: Unknown Number>**

Youre asleep arent you?

 

**< From: Unknown Number>**

**Wake up, i wanna talk to you**

 

Tsukishima heaved a sigh - of relief or irritation he wasn’t quite sure - and tapped out a swift reply.

 

**< To: Unknown Number>**

So impatient. This is Kuroo, right?

 

The reply was almost instantaneous, and Kei found himself fighting down a fond smile.

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

Ye

 

Well, that was anticlimactic. He wasn’t really sure what he had been expecting, though. Tsukishima pulled himself out of bed and ran a hand through his messy hair before picking up his phone again to reply.

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

Almost thought you weren’t gonna text me, for a moment there.

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

You wound me, glasses-kun, of course i was!

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

Do you take the train a lot?

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

Don’t really have a reason, why?

 

Tsukishima put his phone down to dress, resisting the overpowering urge to answer it when it buzzed. He forced himself to pull on his clothes slowly, almost falling over in the rush to check Kuroo’s message when his jacket was on.

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

You should come to tokyo

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

Tonight if you can

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

Tonight? I can’t just hop on a train in the middle of the night and come over.

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

Why not? Ill pick you up from the station

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

It’s a three hour ride.

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

I’ll make it worth your time.

 

Tsukishima stopped responding after that, turning off his phone and waving a quick goodbye to Akiteru as he stepped outside. He found himself contemplating actually going to Tokyo that night; it was Friday so he didn’t have to worry about school the next day and he could always tell Akiteru he was staying with Tadashi. _What the hell am I thinking, I can’t just up and leave for Tokyo. Can I?_

 

 

He could, he realized halfway through the school day. He could leave and meet Kuroo, and tell Tadashi to cover for him. This would be the best time anyway, his parents were off on a business trip so he was home alone with Akiteru.

He would do it. He would go to Tokyo.

 

**< To: Akiteru>**

Staying at Yamaguchi’s tonight. Maybe the weekend. Don’t wait up.

 

**< From: Akiteru>**

tell him i said hi!

 

Tsukishima tapped out a quick affirmation and pocketed his phone, turning back to face the front of the room. The lecture droned on, words and syllables blending into each other, but all he could think of was seeing Kuroo. _Why tonight? Isn’t that a little sudden?_ He thought of Kuroo’s hair, how it couldn’t possibly be styled like that but there was no way his bedhead remained through the entire day.

_Why did he kiss me, anyway? All I did was give him my number._

That question stuck in his mind, and the second he heard the bell ring, he pulled out his phone to ask Kuroo.

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

Why did you kiss me, anyway?

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

I wanted to, figured it was probably okay

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

Oh.

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

So are you still up for tonight or are you just talking big?

 

Tsukishima pulled a breath in through his teeth, holding it in his lungs as he typed out his response.

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

No, I’ll come. You said you’d pick me up from the station, right?

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

Ye

 

**< To: literal walking trashcan>**

Do you always say that?

 

**< From: literal walking trashcan>**

Ye

 

Tsukishima sighed and pocketed his phone again, wondering just what he had gotten himself into. He barely noticed Yamaguchi falling into step beside him.

“Tsukki! You alright? You’ve been checking your phone a lot lately,” he said, staring up at Kei with those wide round eyes.

“Fine,” he responded simply, “but I need you to do me a favor, alright?” Yamaguchi nodded eagerly. “If Akiteru asks, I’m spending the weekend at your house.”

Tadashi gave him an odd look but didn’t press it, just turned back to watch the crowds filter out of the school.

Again, Tsukishima wondered exactly what the hell was waiting for him in Tokyo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kuroo tetsurou is going to be the death of tsukishima if he doesnt stop saying 'ye' to everything

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: tsukishima is actually a huge loser


End file.
